I've been slacking on writing because I have been so busy with life. But life is beautiful and I'm so happy about the state of my affairs.
I just got home after a long week in Germany and I haven't feel this refreshed in a long time. I also did some things I'm not proud of like seeing my 26 year old 6'9 former basketball player turned private equity Spaniard ex on my layover in London because I knew he was killing it in the city and every 20 something year old girl was drooling over him. I didn't sleep with him but I made him think I would. But honestly it was good catching up, like old friends. Hanno understandably doesn't like that I'm still friends with most of my exes, and I don't blame him for feeling that way but I'm also not ready to cut out people who I consider to be integral in some of the most formative parts of my life. I wouldn't get back with any of them but it doesn't stop them from trying, and I guess that's where Hanno has an issue with. I got relationship advice about us from my last boyfriend and it didn't go over so well when I told him.
Dinner with my ex felt like a foreshadow of what my life could've been like if I had dated a guy my age. Dressing up, going out every weekend, high heels, buzzy vacation spots, large social groups. 20s, basically.
I'm not sure what is so broken about me that I only want guys that don't want me, because when Hanno respected my "break up" with him, I felt the urge to immediately restart what we had. I was on a Lufthansa flight by the next day. Sex is so intimate for me because once it happened, I felt like it unlocked a level of attraction to him that wasn't present before. And just like that I'm dating another German founder again, forever telling myself that I don't have a type. I'm back home for work but my life will go on just as it has before. Back and forth trips until one of us agrees to concede and it'll probably be me. I'm so infatuated with the sex that I don't even mind anymore, which is a testament to how bad of an idea the celibacy was.
We bought 3 disposable cameras and went countryside for a few days and I'm finally having them developed this week. Did things I shouldn't have done as a mother. I forget how freeing it was to surrender yourself to someone. I'm so excited to see how the photos turned out.
And most importantly, Dan and I finally reached an agreement and I will be getting my son back 50/50 starting his 5th birthday and the child support and custody is both settled. It's finally over after all these years and Dan and I actually are on the best terms we've been since we've been together. Like we're old friends now. Something about that is so deeply gratifying. He fucked me over so many times in so many ways but I'm just so tired I'm happy to move forward…I'm just so happy custody is resolved and we didn't have to go to trial. This was 4 years in the making. I cried at the relief.
I signed up for a pre-law bootcamp and I'm working like a dog making up for lost time in Germany. Things are looking up. And I'm not just saying that because I finally got laid!! Now I'm in love. Go figure. From breaking my foot in St Regis Aspen with him to sex on a field In German countryside. This is going to be a lore. I just pray it's not going to end up like my story with Flo.